How often do you really stop to look around you on a daily basis? One of my favorite things to do when I’m stuck in a line somewhere or stopped in traffic is to people watch. How often have you done the same thing and witnessed a group of young people hanging around buildings, on the corners of intersections, or lounging on the front steps of some complex? Ever been bold enough to look them in the eye? If you did chances are you wouldn’t find what you expected. Strip away the angry look, the hostile posturing, the casual way in which they use their bodies and do you know what you’re really witnessing? Fear.  Fear that this is all that there is. Fear that their life will never get any better. Fear that there is no other way to exist. 

I understand this all too well. Where I grew up, originally, there were people like this around me. I was lucky in that I had strongly convicted family members who helped me to understand that it wasn’t my environment, social status, skin color, gender, or religious affiliation that defined who I was. “I” defined who I was by the choices I made. Making the choice to learn a better way has made all the difference for me. It seems so simple, doesn’t it? To just act better and things will be better?  But most inspirational and motivational experts will tell you that this is exactly what does the trick.  After all, YOU are the author of your own life’s story. Don’t like the way it’s being written…rewrite and revise it. One of the easiest ways that I know to do that is to take a simple class on how to treat people….an etiquette or manners class.

Recently, I was most humbled when I looked out at the waiting, expectant faces of the participants of a dining workshop, and I realized that I was living my dream. For a split second I was that little awkward girl in Panama, leaning out on the balcony wondering about what I would be when I grew up and who I would become.

And all of a sudden, here I was.

Though they did not know it, I stood before them as a personal testimony to perseverance and determination to write the pages of my own life story. If anything I am the poster-child for never giving up. Those kids on the corners of life don’t have an exclusive on fear, you know. We’ve all had ideas that we never did anything with, thought of things that we’d like to do or places we’d like to travel. Though we give a myriad of excuses for WHY these things never materialized, if you are honest with yourself, you didn’t put it off for any other reason than ‘fear’. Fear that it wouldn’t work out, that you’d have to suffer later, that someone else would be made uncomfortable. But I am here to tell you, gentle friends, that living a life of purpose (destiny) is better than living a life of regret.

Time to spread your wings….on the manners side.

I must make a confession. Sometimes, when I’m out and about I manage to ‘overhear’ conversations. Eavesdropping being what it is, I sometimes hear the most interesting things. One of those phrases would be: “But, Mom……(insert eye rolling and foot stomping here) why do we have to have manners, anyway? It’s just stupid stuff.” Yes, dear readers, this is the phrase that I frequently overhear from time to time. Sometimes I intervene and assist, and other times I pretend not to be listening, just to see if they can teach me something I didn’t know. I’m pretty sure I might need to seek therapy for my predilection to overhearing others’ conversations. However, it makes great material for a blog, doesn’t it?

One of the best answers I’ve heard from one parent to the next is that manners are about RESPECT. Aretha Franklin said it best: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.   A person who exhibits manners and refinement commands respect from those around her, and she doesn’t have to lift a finger or say a word, really. It’s a matter of attitude. An air of respect says that not only does this person have respect for herself, but for others as well. If you are in a business situation, this is particularly important. (Oh…shameless plug here).

Secondly, it is the truth that you only have a matter of seconds to make a first impression on someone. If you seem unsure or awkward at the dinner table, unsure of what fork to use, or you manage to speak SEEFOOD (you know..when you talk, you SEE food?....ug), then the impression you leave is not a good one. Why do manners matter? Because you want people to think well of you.

And manners extend to more than just the dinner table. They extend into all walks of life. From speaking correctly,  acting courteous, engaging in good personal grooming habits, to selecting makeup and clothes that flatter and send the right message, manners can make or break a first date, a job interview, or presentation. People will retain that first impression, even if you are a brilliant person with drop dead gorgeous hair.

Have you ever stopped to consider why military institutions require their soldiers, especially in basic training, to keep clean barracks? Why are they required to keep the floors so clean you could eat off of them and beds made so tight that you could bounce a quarter off of them? It is all about a mental discipline and a restructuring of their mindset to include feeling pride in their appearance and to boost the morale of everyone there. Manners are so important that every military branch uses it to show respect, mental readiness, and to keep things efficient. But most importantly it sends a non-verbal message to each soldier: you are somebody, now act like it.

And that’s what it really boils down to it…if you think about it. You are somebody. A good somebody that anyone would be lucky to know. Now act like it.  Or let me help you to learn how to act like it.

This is me stepping down off of my soapbox, now. But note that I have done so with grace and style. (giggle).

As Always Dear Readers….see you on the manners side.

Liz

Look for more details on this and other related etiquette at: www.elitemanners.com .  

All rights reserved: Liz Stover, Elite manners School of Etiquette 2011

This week was long, exhausting, thrilling, and relaxing for me. And, of course, during all of that time I managed to embarrass myself, a little. I must confess that it was not my fault, but rather was due to the fact that the gentleman in front of me, who was using his Bluetooth headset, seemed to be speaking to me. I, of course, always the polite one…answered.  It was only after he gave me a puzzled look and continued to speak that I realized that he was using his Bluetooth, and of course that he obviously did not understand basic phone manners. Then and there, as I regained my composure, I decided to make this the topic of my very next blog.

Phone Etiquette for the Family

As a general rule, all of the family needs to be clued in to several rules for phone usage. This applies to cell or landlines. First, it is quite rude to call during typical meal times or after 9:00pm in the recipient’s time zone. If the recipient has small children, keep that in mind as well. You remember what it’s like trying to put children back down after they’ve been wakened, right?

Turn off background noises, like the radio or the television.

Do NOT carry on another conversation with others, like those in the room with you, while on the phone. The only time this would be acceptable is if there is an emergency or you must take a moment to attend to very small children.

Phone Etiquette for Teens and Children

If you take a call at the house and the caller asks for someone other than yourself, lay the phone down and WALK to get them, or take them the phone (if it is cordless).  Yelling for the person to come to the phone is rude to the caller.

Offer to take a message if the person is not available, but DO NOT give out information about where the person is.

If you are calling someone and they do not answer, you should only let the phone ring for a maximum number of 6 rings. After that, it’s just annoying and a waste of time.

There are places where cell phone conversations are not appropriate (gasp!).

A. Restaurants, libraries, churches, theaters, and other quiet places.  Don’t be THAT person that interrupts a meaningful moment by letting their cell phone ring.

B. When you are with a group of people and receive a call, it is not okay to talk in front of the group. First, this makes it difficult for you to hear the caller, and secondly, sorry, no one in the group really wants to hear your conversation.

C. Do not interrupt your conversation with someone else to take the phone call. Or, if you simply must take the call, please tell the person you are talking to, that you are expecting a very important phone call, so they don't think you are rude for taking the call while talking to them.

D. It is considered extremely rude to keep both of the ear buds in your ear when someone is talking to you. Better yet, take them both out when you are speaking to an adult.

There are MORE tips for Teens and Children to be found: www.elitemanners.com

BlueTooth Devices

Remember that this device IS really a cell phone. Also, you really don’t have to talk louder on a BlueTooth than on a regular phone. So many people do this. It simply is not necessary.  Make sure those around you realize you are taking a call so that they do not assume you are talking to or about them.

Technology grows in leaps and bounds every year, it seems. And with it, it seems that we lose just a little more of our ability to respect one another as we use that technology. Manners and respect go hand in hand, and in the end if we can’t respect one another what chances have we to move forward as a society?

As I am making preparations to go on a family vacation, I thought it would be a good time to talk about the fact that certain behavior is expected. Of course, all of us have nightmare tales that we can tell about traveling next to someone, for example on a plane, and having to endure someone whose personal space seems to include YOUR personal space as well. I particularly love the plane travelers who think it necessary to tell you personal information about themselves or their family members. Precious. Really. Truly.

Though many people have cut back on their traveling this year due to the economic crisis, those who do choose to travel often have the first part of their journey marred by fellow passengers who are intent on only pleasing themselves and who lack decent consideration for those around them. If it becomes too much to bear and it is not a full flight, you may quietly speak to the flight attendant and be seated in a different seat.

So what’s a savvy traveler to do? Aside from picturing embarrassing events happening to the unwitting passenger, there are several things to keep in mind. Here’s a short list for traveling via plane. For those of you choosing alternative modes of travel, like say, trains or buses, I have the answers for that HERE.

1. Be respectful of those around you, since air travel requires close, sometimes uncomfortable seating.

2. Avoid applying too much perfume or eating something with a strong odor before boarding the plane.

3. Make sure your carry-on baggage is an appropriate size to fit in the overhead compartment. If it is questionable, have it checked.

4. Quickly board the plane and find your seat. If you need to move to allow another passenger into the seat on your row, quickly move to the aisle, let the passenger in, and then return to your seat.

5. If someone asks you to switch seats to sit near a family member, particularly if it is a child, be willing to do so. Imagine how you would feel if you were a small child traveling without the comfort of a parent.

6. It is customary to make conversation with your seatmate until the first drinks are served. Then, settle in to listen to music, watch the in-flight movie, or read a book. Do not expect your seatmate to talk with you for the entire flight. (Hopefully they also know this rule!)

7. Do not kick the seat in front of you or grab the headrest when getting up to use the facilities, for          goodness sake, if you are traveling with children instruct them not to do so, either.

8. When leaving the plane, wait for the rows ahead of you to deplane, and then take your turn.

9. Carry your luggage in front of you as you board or exit the plane so you do not hit others.

10. Try to refrain from drinking too much during flight, as it makes you less aware of your surroundings and habits.

Traveling is one of life’s pleasures and it is there for all to enjoy. So, pack up your bags, ladies, and get out there. The world is truly your oyster.

See you soon on the manners side,

Liz

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Look for more details on this and other related etiquette at: www.elitemanners.com .  

Also…just a little horn blowing, if you please.

Recently, I watched newscast that reported a story on students trying to find jobs for the summer and how they were having a difficult time doing so due to lack of interviewing skills. It’s no wonder. Isn’t it true that, while we have advanced communications technology, as a society we’ve lost the ability to simply converse face to face in a way that portrays our best selves? This is such an important skill to have when transitioning from high school or college into the workforce, even if it’s for a summer job.

Here are some quick tips for putting your best foot forward, especially if you’ve never had ANY experience interviewing.

1. Don’t lie. About anything. Ever.

2. Dress a little better than the expected level of dress for the job.

3. Enter the interview, shake the hand of the interviewer and sit properly when invited to sit.

4. Don’t fidget. Even if your panty hose are being frisky.

5. When asked a question, take a moment and then answer questions thoughtfully using clear speech and leaving out casual or slang words.

6. If you are asked about your weaknesses, turn those to your favor. For example, if you’ve had trouble in English, then state that you recognized this as a short coming and that in order to overcome the difficulty you enrolled in advanced classes.

7. Think like an interviewer. Prior to the interview, preferably NOT the night before, write a list of questions that you would ask, if you were the interviewer. Then compile a mental list of how you might best answer any of those questions.

8. Do your homework. Who is it that you are interviewing with? Research the company, the business, and if the information is available, the interviewer.

9.  Follow up the interview, no matter how it goes, with a thank you letter. This shows class and may just be the deciding factor.

10. Don’t be discouraged if you are not hired. Chances are you might not have been a good fit there, anyway, and you would have been miserable. Most interviewers are looking for someone who is capable, but who also has the type of personality that will work well within the existing structure.

If this is an area of weakness for you, there is so much more to learn than I could possibly put into a blog.  Click here for more information on this and other etiquette tips.

Remember, no matter what you are doing in your day, you are communicating something to someone, even if you are interviewing. Pay attention to body language; make those around you the most important thing in your life at the moment and you will soon be known as a friendly, easy-to-talk-to woman. You will also feel confident as you head into social situations, because you will know exactly how to handle them.

Go get that job! ….and as always…remember to live life on the manners side (we have tea cakes).

Fondly,

Liz

Look for more details on this and other related etiquette at: www.elitemanners.com .  

Also…just a little horn blowing, if you please.

Dining Etiquette….or the lack thereof. We’ve all been there, right? You are enjoying the most exquisite meal with the most entertaining companion when it happens: a very loud child is throwing a very loud tantrum. It has been my questionable ‘joy’ to observe that with each time I eat out that the dining habits of the younger set grows worse and worse. Sincerely, there are manners that even the youngest of children can learn and it does not take a vast quantity of time. Remember, small changes made consistently, yield big changes.

These following tips are for children ages 4-10.

1. Please and Thank You. This is one of the simplest of manners to use and it is, in my opinion the one that is least used by the under-10 set. Setting a good example at home, insisting that they say ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ in the appropriate situations, both at home and abroad.

 2. Sir and/or Ma’m.  When addressing someone in authority over them, a younger person should always address them as Sir, if the person is male, or M’am if the person is female.

“Would you like a cookie?”   

“Yes, Ma’m.’

 3. Answering the telephone.  When answering the telephone, say, “This is Sarah.” Then, if the caller asks for a family member, gently place the phone down and go to inform the family member of the call. Shouting down the hallway for the family member is rude.  Offer to take a message if the requested person is not home, but do not give out information about where they are.

 4. Dining etiquette. Even the smallest of children can be taught to chew their food slowly and with lips closed. From personal experience I can tell you how disconcerting and off putting it can be to observe a child eating loudly, smacking their lips and making gobbling sounds.

 5. Sitting quietly at the table. Children by their very nature are not designed to be quiet or still, therefore, expecting them to remain silent at the table is often not practical. However, insisting that your child stay seated, is. Once at the table, the child should be encouraged to ask for permission to leave the table, asking “May I be excused?” If the child is younger than 5, this may not be possible, but it is within all possibilities that this child learn to stay at the table until his or her parents tell them it is okay to get up. Allowing your child to stand on the seats in the restaurants, to run up and down the aisles as well as around the table is unacceptable, and should not be condoned at home, in my opinion, either.

I have also observed, after numerous workshops and having worked with children of all ages, that adults often underestimate that children are completely able to handle simple dining etiquette. Simple instruction, given a little at a time and modeled by the adults in their life, is all that is necessary to produce a child that is beautiful, poised, and pleasant to be around.

As always….Live life on the manners side,

Liz

Look for more details on this and other dining related etiquette at: www.elitemannersschoolofetiquette.com.  

Also…just a little horn blowing, if you please.

If you are in the Sumter, SC area or near Columbia, SC I will be hosting a dining etiquette workshop in June and again in July! I would love to meet you in person, blog buddies!

First of all, let me take a minute to express my heartfelt thanks and appreciation to teachers all over the planet who take on the gargantuan task of educating the younger generation. No doubt you’ve heard all of the hype over appreciating teachers and how teachers touch the future. And I’m not disputing that; really I’m not. What really began to dawn on me, after the millionth ironic tribute to teachers (who are STILL reeling from the Wisconsin fallout), that people, in general, throw around the term ‘appreciation’ rather easily. Does anyone REALLY know what the term means? And begging that question, does anyone really know HOW to appreciate anyone else? We, at the Elite Manners School of Etiquette, believe that many people might need a ‘brush up’ in the appreciation arena.

How often have you heard the phrase, “Thank you. I really appreciate that.” ?  And, equally, how many times (c’mon…you KNOW who you are) have thought to yourself, “Yeah, right.” Being appreciated, truly appreciated, is a gracious art. If you truly want to show your appreciation, there are many sincere ways in which to accomplish it, aside from the phrase, or the unoriginal token of flowers or candy.

1. Follow Through. It’s all about following up with someone. Simply thanking them at the time that they render the assistance is quite perfectly acceptable, but then you MUST remember to follow up with a sincere thanks later on, specifically mentioning how it made you feel, how it helped you, and offer to reciprocate, if possible.

2. A genuine token of affection and gratitude. The person you are seeking to show appreciation for is, believe it or not, a human being. Aside from the role they provide in the workplace, they have dreams, desires, likes and dislikes. Find a token that will show that you ‘know’ them and that you truly appreciate the work or assistance they gave to you. For example: Does your secretary take a trip to Key West, Florida every year? Perhaps getting her a slice of key lime pie to say thank you, would be a most unexpected and completely acceptable way to show your appreciation.

3. Make the gesture of appreciation timely. Waiting a month to say ‘thank you’ is too late and will seem contrived and forced.

4. Make the note personal. Do not send a generic note to everyone. Take the time to hand write it. It will make a difference. Use a nice note card, not a scrap of paper, to send the thank you note, and despite what you may ‘feel’ like doing, send the Thank You note IN THE MAIL. This truly shows that what they did meant a lot to you. Though it is a fine medium, email is too impersonal if you truly want to thank someone.

Manners, etiquette, getting along with your fellow human being are something that, as a society, we would do well to remember. It is when people feel taken for granted, overworked, undervalued and underappreciated that a person can become sullen and distant. It is such a simple gesture that goes a long way and taking the time to do it right can have the intended effect of lifting someone’s spirits and of sending the right message: I truly appreciate you and what it is that you do. Now, THAT’s appreciation.

Let’s Live Life on the Manners Side,

Liz

For more information on Thank You notes, and other matters ‘manners’ you can check out my book. It’s cute. It’s pink. It’s full of the stuff that your grandmother knew and you were never taught. For all things manners and etiquette feel free to visit me (and leave me a note!) at: www.elitemannersschoolofetiquette.com

AfroPuffs and Ponytails

People, even bullies, come in all sizes, shapes and colors. Diversity and the variety of cultures, beliefs, and abilities are what make a country and a nation strong. But sometimes that diversity, those differences, can become painful. This is the case with bullying. When people hear the word ‘bully’ they automatically think of the school-yard variety. You know the one: crossed arms, flat top hair cut, lip stuck out, tapping his foot while he watches you eat worms. But there are other types of bullying that even adults can experience, and often it is more subtle, and may I suggest, more devastating when it happens in the workplace. What is a person to do?

The rules for engagement, or non-engagement, are the same as for the school yard bully. First, do your best to be kind to everyone, even those you do not consider close friends. Be polite and civil, even if you do not wish to spend a lot of time with someone. If there is a bully in your school, talk to a counselor, teacher or administrator. You do not have to accept bullying in an attempt to “be nice.” This behavior needs to stop before someone is hurt because bullying always escalates. This is true whether you are in the workplace or in a school situation.

The Anatomy of a Bully

Bullies at their core are insecure. Most psychologists agree that the typical bully is most likely being intimidated or bullied at home. Somewhere in their background their lurks a bully, whether that was a parent or a sibling. Children live what they learn; and if they are learning aggressive behavior, then that is what they turn around and use to relate to people. Instead of using compliments, acknowledging the other person’s needs, their only ability to lead or exert control is to belittle or threaten the other person. It is a sad fact that most people above the age of five years of age have experienced bullying at least one or more times.

And I’ve observed that some people just seem to attract bullies. I am not being scientific here, but I have witnessed people being bullied, have attempted to speak to them about standing up for themselves, but instead I ended up being their champion. This takes me aback, to be honest. Children from an environment where aggression is the norm possibly become either a perpetrator of the aggression, or a victim.  Don’t YOU be either one.

Dealing with Bullies

1. When a co-worker, or even a boss, says something that seems threatening or intimidating you have a right to speak to that person in a civil and controlled manner. If they are your supervisor that does NOT give them the right to treat you with disrespect and to threaten. For severe cases you can go the union, if one exists, human resources, or retain a lawyer.

2. In school, you should go to speak to someone in authority, even if you don’t have proof. So many times, especially in school, the bully will tell you that no one will believe you. This is just another tactic to save their hide. Don’t fall for it. Tell someone. Bullies cannot operate when the light of day is shed on their activities.

3. Leave. This seems extreme but if you just cannot bring yourself to speak to someone in authority, or have a friend do so, then it may be that the only way to survive and thrive is to move away from the problem. Just keep in mind that often the problem (meaning YOU) moves with you.

Bullying has received a lot of attention over the years, especially in regard to school bullies. However, bullies come in all shapes and sizes. They exist in supermarket check-out lines, taxi lanes, workplaces, and in all of the places where people work and play. How you choose to deal with them reveals the type of person you are, and the true character of a person is defined, I believe, in their gracious actions toward others, even when those others have been less than gracious to you.

Live well. Live life on the Manners side,

Liz

*For more information on manners all things etiquette visit my website: www.elitemannersschoolofetiquette.com